We’re going to talk about ways that we, as Christian single women, can avoid the temptation to sin sexually and stand up against the lies of a culture that promotes the virtues of casual, promiscuous sex at every turn.
Let’s be honest: The propaganda that says that casual, promiscuous premarital sex is common and acceptable is everywhere. In today’s culture, a “one-night-stand” is considered acceptable behavior for both men and women. It is expected that a dating couple is having sex. Anyone who objects to an unmarried couple sharing a bedroom is considered an old-fashioned, prude. They are the butt of the jokes. Premarital cohabitation is encouraged and expected.
Take for instance the popular family show that spent a better part of one season openly mocking the parents who objected to their daughter having sex before marriage. I remember turning to my brother and saying, “You realize we have the same beliefs as the people they are portraying as religious fools!”
However, no matter what society says is normal or even what our culture believes is morally acceptable, according to the Bible, the Christian single person is called to be different. We are called to be “sanctified” and set apart for a holy purpose. As God’s children, we are called to live pure and holy lives in an impure and unholy culture.
Philippians 2:15 says, “That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;”
Can you imagine? In this Scripture, Paul encourages believers to live in such a way that they are a light in the darkness just as the stars stand out in the night sky. This means that our purity needs to be a characteristic that sets us apart from the world and distinguishes us as children of God.
But realistically, how can the Christian single Christian maintain this level of sexual purity?
Let’s rephrase that to ask some really honest questions:
How can a Christian teenager commit to saving sex for marriage when it seems like everyone around is sexually active?
How can a single Christian in her twenties, thirties, or even forties or fifties be expected to control her sexual desires and abstain from sex until she’s married?
What steps can a person who’s been married and is now single, or a person that’s been sexually active in the past take to control her sexual appetites and live as a godly Christian single?
Are there any practical tips that can help the person who wants to obey the Bible’s commands about Sex and the Christian Single?
That’s what we’re going to talk about: Practical steps that a Christian single man or woman can take to help obey God’s Biblical Principles regarding sex.
Let’s get started:
1. In order to obey the Bible’s commands regarding Sex and the Christian Single, a Christian single men and women need to make a commitment to abstinence.
Years ago, we would have called this “having a plan.” Whatever we call it now, the fact remains that you can’t wait until you’re in the passionate heat of the moment to decide whether or not you’re going to obey or disobey God’s Laws. Before you even go out on a date, you need to resolve in your heart that you are wholeheartedly committed to following God’s commands for abstinence, and create a plan for how you’re going to stick to your commitment.
Part of the plan could be committing to only dating men who have the same commitment or making it clear right from the start of the relationship that you are committed to obeying God’s Laws regarding sex.
A few years ago, a woman who was single into her thirties, shared her testimony with AWRW magazine. During her interview, she told of telling the man she’d been dating for about 2 weeks that she was committed to waiting until she was married to have sex. Although she was really nervous about his response she thought, “What do I have to lose? I’m not changing my mind, so we might as well deal with it up front.”
That night over dinner, she told him that she was committed to waiting until she was married to become physically intimate. He had no problem with waiting and never pushed to do anything she felt was sinful. Today, they are married with two little boys, and she encourages other young women to follow her example.
Another part of your plan may include setting boundaries as to how far you will become physically involved before you are married, what times of day you feel comfortable being alone with a gentlemen, and even what types of places you feel are suitable for a Christian couple to date.
Even though setting these types of boundaries ahead of time may seem old-fashioned or antiquated, that’s just because we live in a culture that has no boundaries. As Christians, we are called to be counter-culture and live for a higher calling and purpose----glorifying God with our bodies and fulfilling His purpose for our lives. Meeting this goal isn’t going to just happen---a single Christian is going to have to put thought, effort, and resolve into making a commitment to purity and taking the steps to keeping that commitment.
2. In order to obey the Bible’s commands regarding Sex and the Christian Single, a Christian singles should have someone in her life that will hold her accountable.
Accountability is a powerful tool. Having a friend or an older Christian who serves as a mentor encouraging you to keep your commitment to sexual purity will be a tremendous asset in the life of any Christian single. Giving them the freedom to ask any question at any stage of the relationship will help you keep your commitment to sexual purity.
Why?
Well, because they aren’t swept up in the emotions, the romance, and the desire of the moment, they can help keep you grounded in reality. They will remind you of your commitment to God and purity before you do something you will regret. They’ll help you stick to your pre-established boundaries and remind you that true love waits, helping you avoid sin and develop a strong, healthy relationship with the person you’re dating.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm [alone]? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Which brings us to point #3:
In order to obey the Bible’s commands regarding Sex and the Christian Single, a single Christian must focus on her relationship with God.
What I am saying is this: As you invest in your relationship with Jesus, you’ll find that He will fill many of the needs in your soul that the world seeks to fill through casual sex.
Let me explain: Recently, I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite television shows about a single woman. Even though I like the show and I do believe it presents the main character as a strong, competent, vibrant, single woman, recently, I’ve been noticing an on-going pattern in the storyline that bothers me.
The cycle is this: Every time the main character has an emotional crisis, feels insecure, or is faced with a painful issue from her past, she has casual sex with whatever man is in her life at the time. In the end, these relationships never work out because she doesn’t love the man she’s sleeping with, nor does she really want a commitment. What she wants is to use sex as a way to stop the pain in her soul. Of course, in the end, she just ends up with more pain as she endures the consequences of the unplanned, uncommitted sexual encounter.
Even though this is just a television show, I believe that fiction is really just imitating what is real life for far too many people in America---even in the church. There are needs in their hearts and souls that aren’t being met, so they seek temporary solace in a relationship and casual sex in an attempt to fill those needs. Of course, this is only a temporary solution causing women to go from relationship to relationship rather than ever dealing with the issues in their hearts. In the end, they are only compounding their heartache and adding to their emotional baggage, because sex was never designed to be a cure for the wounds of the human heart. Only Jesus can do that.
That’s why it’s important that all Christian men and women,to focus on building a strong relationship with Jesus. There’s no better way to learn who you are, who you were designed to be, and what you were meant to accomplish than by spending time with the One Who Created you. As you spend time with Jesus, He will begin the process of healing the wounds from your past. As these wounds are healed, you will become a stronger, healthier person spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
As you spend time in His Word, the Holy Spirit will begin removing any misconceptions and illogical thinking that is playing games with your mind and keeping you from living in spiritual, emotional, and mental freedom. The more you saturate your mind with the Word of God, the more it will guide your thinking helping you to see and understand truth. This will help you relate to God, yourself, and other people better.
Truly, as you develop your relationship with Jesus and allow Him to heal your soul and fill the needs of your heart and mind, you’ll find that you really have no desire for casual sex. Instead, as you learn to see yourself through God’s eyes, you’ll understand that you deserve nothing less than the fully committed relationship that comes from marriage. When that happens for you, you’ll find that you are satisfied with Jesus.
As one single Christian woman put it, “I’m still open to marriage if God brings it my way, but the simple fact is that my sexual desires rests quietly when my love relationship with Jesus is tended to with passion.”
Okay, now onto point #4:
In order to obey the Bible’s commands regarding Sex and the Christian Single, you’re going to have to stop feeding your mind sexual images.
Years ago when I was in Sunday school, we sang a song that said, “Oh be careful little eyes what you see.” Now as an adult I know the value of these words, especially for those of us who are single.
We, more than anyone else, whether you’re a teenager or senior citizen, need to be careful what we watch and listen to because these things will influence the way we feel, the way we see ourselves, the things we desire, and the choices we make. As emotional beings, we are influenced by media. That’s why we have to be choosy about which media choices we let influence us.
Romantic storylines are especially dangerous for women because as th get into the plot we tend to become emotionally involved.
Unless we change the channel or walk out of the movie, this type of entertainment usually results in us filling our minds with images of nudity and passionate sex. (Pornography for woman) Just like all pornography, these images do nothing more than arouse desires that a single Christian cannot fulfill. The only cure for this dilemma is to stop filling our minds with this types of entertainment.
This standard applies to reading material. You can’t fill your mind with magazine articles and romance novels containing sexually explicit content and expect to keep your mind pure. Sometimes even Christian novelists cross the line and tell stories that are too sexually graphic. Don’t read these books. Instead, read books that encourage you in your endeavor towards purity and fill your mind with good thoughts.
Of course, we can’t leave out our musical choices. The truth is that if I’m always listening to music where the lyrics talk about sex and romance, my mind is going to be constantly thinking about sex and romance. Before long, I’ll be thinking about the things that are missing from my life, craving them, and allowing my natural desires to control my life.
This progression is exactly why Paul says in Colossians 3:2 says, “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.” struggling with sexual temptation or even the temptation to be depressed that she is not in a relationship needs to turn off the secular radio, and start listening to Christian music that will build them up and encourage them to continue their quest for purity.
At our house, (where my brother and I are both Christian singles) we have established certain guidelines for our entertainment choices; specifically our television viewing, that we feel help us maintain a pure lifestyle. (We don’t go to the movies.)
First, we set the parental controls on our television to PG with sexual contact blocked. This helps eliminate programs with a sexually explicit nature.
Secondly, we avoid all sex scenes. Years ago, my pastor’s wife, Devi Titus, taught us that whenever you watch a couple in bed together you are watching pornography. Her teaching has become a rule at our house. Whenever a program turns toward a bedroom scene, we turn it off. We do not need those images replaying in our minds.
Thirdly, if we accidentally come on a program with a sexually explicit topic, unnecessarily crude language or any reference to homosexuality, the program is immediately turned off. This is the power that will help you keep your mind pure: You have the responsibility to stop watching or listening to entertainment that does not follow the guidelines of Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
As you stop filling your mind with these images and messages, you will stop being influenced by the world’s thinking. Your conscience will stop being desensitized to accept sin and start becoming sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Most importantly, when you stop feeding your mind sexual images; you’ll see a significant decrease in your sexual appetites and desires.
Here’s another thing that we don’t often think about:
In order to obey the Bible’s commands regarding Sex and the Christian Single, you’re going to need to avoid sexually explicit conversations.
How many of us have been with a group of Christians when someone in the group decides to talk openly about their sexual experiences? Have you ever been with someone who saw a movie or television show that you knew was too racy, yet you allowed them to tell you about it?
The fact is that the single Christian who is committed to obeying the Bible’s commands about sex needs to avoid these types of conversations. Why? Because hearing someone tell a graphically sexual story is the same as looking at pornography. Your sexual desires are being aroused creating the desire inside of you to sin. In both cases, you are filling your mind with sexual images.
Instead, we need to choose to obey the Bible which says in Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Our conversation should fit the description in Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”
So, back to our original question: How can we, as single Christian, avoid the temptation to sin sexually and stand up against the lies of a culture that promotes the virtues of casual, promiscuous sex at every turn?
It basically comes down to this: God created sex for marriage and only for marriage. If you are a single Christian, than sex is not an option for you at this time in your life. Why then, would you want to spend all of your time talking, thinking, and focusing on something you can’t have?
It’s like a diabetic working in a bakery or a former alcoholic working at a bar?
By choosing these environments, you’re making your life harder and increasing your temptation.
Instead, make a different choice. Choose not only to obey God’s Biblical Principles regarding sex, but also to take it a step further and maintain a level of purity in all areas of your life so that the temptation to sin and disobey God is diminished. Choose to take all practical steps that a single Christian can take to help obey God’s Biblical Principles regarding sex until the day you walk down the aisle and say “I do”. Follow Paul’s instructions and let your purity shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.
Andressa Holden
